


destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

by goblinfingers



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Anxiety, Boys In Love, He Tian confesses, He Tian is a good friend/possibly lover, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Jian Yi centered, Jian Yi is confused, Jian Yi is insecure, Jian Yi is my precious little baby, Love Confessions, M/M, Male OC - Freeform, Mentions of Past Crushes, Original Character(s), confused boys in love, goddamit way more angsty than I imagined, help him, no rape between XiXi and Jian Yi, not so much shipping but more like getting into his mind and issues, rape/selfharm/suicide are implied but not described
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24205750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblinfingers/pseuds/goblinfingers
Summary: Jian Yi's unrequited love drives him to insanity and depression, longing for intimacy and not receiving it. Closed off and in his own world, he's spiraling into unhealthy habits and behaviors._____Title inspired by the song "Youth" by Daughter.
Relationships: Background He Tian/Mo Guanshan, Jian Yi/Original Male Character(s), Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	1. our minds are troubled by the emptiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian Yi's mind is chaos. Guan Shan doesn't like being Jian Yi's friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO WARNINGS - no suicide attempt/rape in this chapter

_ I want to be a grown-up faster, become stronger so that I can protect you. _

The bell rang, and students slowly left the classroom. The distant sound of boring conversation reached his eardrums but didn’t influence the chaos of thoughts. They blended into one mush, only to diverge and transform into something entirely different. 

_ This is a place I've always wanted to bring you to. _

For the last few days, his mind has been reminiscing. Everything has become dull and behind the glass, almost dreamlike if not for the repulsive warmth he experienced. He could sense the bitter taste on the tongue and hear the luscious words in the back of his mind, playing a dreading lullaby.

_ Jian Yi, I want to see you now. _

The desire for those moments to happen again filled his mind with honey, creating fabricated scenarios, and glorifying their past encounters. The happiness he had experienced and his heart skipping a beat every time they were close, the intimate conversations and softly wary touch on his skin. The sudden words that made him love more.

_ Do you like me? Is it that kind of 'like'? _

If he could, those memories would be locked away in the darkest corner of his mind. Throw away the key and forget they exist. Burn this affection, kill the passion, drown the sentiment. He wished for a sharper mind and a different personality, only to be spared the pain. 

_ I’m here. _

“The fuck you’re doing here?”

Jian Yi looked up slowly at the person in front of him and blinked several times at the view of little Mo. While looking around, the realization that he has wandered off again hit him. The school looked relatively the same on almost every level, so sometimes when he wasn’t paying attention, he would get lost. The corridors were quiet, so the sense of location and time was suddenly foreign to him. Guan Shan watched him patiently, which was contrary to his existence.

Finally, Jian Yi acknowledged little Mo’s presence and sighed with relief, which was ironic, taking into consideration their first encounter. The blonde gave him a broad smile and moved towards him. However, little Mo saw right through the boy, having spent enough time with him in the past. The supposedly unexpected hug was avoided by Guan Shan when he moved aside. Jian Yi hit the floor, only to whine out of pain later. He gave little Mo a kicked-puppy look.

“Only Zhang Xi can beat me up!”

“Yeah, sometimes I forget about your weird dynamic duo. And I didn’t beat you up, it’s your own stupidity!” 

He kicked the blonde but without any malicious intentions, rather with worry about the other. Guan Shan liked him. Sometimes he found it refreshing to be around someone so carefree and childish, beaming with light everywhere he went, and other times, it was just aggravating. After a few adventures, Jian Yi quickly became the first person he considered a friend.

“I’ll tell He Tian!” cried Jian Yi, while trying to stand up. Guan Shan scoffed at that and just moved in the direction of his next class. “Wait, redhead! Tell me where I am!”

“In school.”

“Oi! Don’t be like that, my friend!

“We’re not friends, you dickhead!”


	2. collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian Yi talks with He Tian and buried secrets come to play. Wondering what could have been is nice and possible still, but at the same time distant and unachievable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO WARNINGS - no suicide attempt/rape in this chapter

The day was nice and warm, a melancholic song played by soft movements of the leaves. Rays of sunshine illuminating the smallest parts of the nearby tree with the wind giving him the pleasant chills down his spine. He Tian took a deep breath in, savoring the peace and quiet, that recently were weirdly absent in his usually secluded life.

He didn’t expect to see any living soul outside the classes at this hour but Jian Yi always would find new ways to surprise him. There he was, sitting on the bench under the tree nearby the basketball court, absent-minded with a blank expression. The bag was lying beside him, the books barely inside the backpack, in danger of slipping out. He Tian smiled. The view of him always made him happy, for some unknown reason.

“Someone’s being naughty.”

Jian Yi found the voice unwelcoming, interrupting the chaos of thoughts. He frowned, mentally cursing his so-called friend. Somehow, He Tian managed to show up at the worst of times just to tease and annoy him with the sudden words of wisdom and lecture he didn’t know what to do with. The irritation could be seen on the blonde’s face but He Tian found it rather amusing than discouraging, always openly ignoring other people’s feelings.

“Go away, I’m not in the mood.”

“Babe, I’m bored. Please talk to me.”

The bag was moved aside for He Tian to take a seat next to the blonde. Jian Yi gave him an annoyed look but the dark-haired man didn’t seem to care. Jian Yi sighed and massaged the space between the eyebrows. The help wasn’t coming any time soon.

“Fine.”

“So why are you here, all alone and cutely vulnerable?”

He Tians smirked and put his arm around Jian Yi’s neck.

“I regret this already,” he murmured, feeling the headache coming like a storm, his mind bombarded with the memories. The arm around his neck felt heavy and unwelcoming as if someone tried to steal him away. But it was He Tian. Just He Tian. So why did he experienced such repulsive warmth? He flinched which didn’t go unnoticed. The dark-haired man has been watching him intently and the look on Jian Yi’s face indicated a deep, foreign confusion. The blonde closed his eyes, trying to shove the nasty feeling in his gut, deep down. “I don’t like it.”

The lack of enjoyment wasn’t explained or directed at anything in particular, even the blonde had no idea what was on his mind, but He Tian seemed to understand. These days, the dark-haired man was apparently the only functional brain cell in which Jian Yi had to put his trust. He Tian freed the blonde from the embrace and gazed at the clear blue sky.

“Man, this is getting ridiculous. I came here to have fun. Entertain me.”

“I told you I’m not in the mood.”

“But I am.”

But it didn’t seem to convince Jian Yi to speak. However, He Tian was known for always getting what he wanted and at that moment, he desired company. More importantly, he just wished to help.

“Why are you avoiding Zhang Xi?”

The response came quickly and was predictable, just the way He Tian had expected it to be. The rapid turn of the head, choking on air with mouth agape, flickers of anger in his eyes, the pressing desire to just decline the accusations and then shy comprehension of his own emotions.

“I’m not.”

It was articulated with no confidence, weak and ready to shatter at any given moment. His voice was shaking and it almost seemed as if he tried to convince himself.

“You are so stubborn,” sighed He Tian and closed his eyes, taking pleasure in a warm wind. “Both of you are. Just stop playing like that. At least stop playing and talk to me. I’m not your love interest.”

Jian Yi was aware, but the realization of something made him suddenly very tired. He hid the face in his hands, trying to clear the messy mind. He Tian was silent, patiently waiting without pushing him into a confession.

“It’s a long story.”

He Tian opened one eye and looked at the blonde from the corner of it. Jian Yi was glaring at the ground, his fingers interlaced and the sun making his hair almost white in color.

“Not when you know the most of it. I think you underestimate my abilities, I just kind of forced you to admit he’s your love interest without using any names.”

The blonde groaned in embarrassment and leaned back, making He Tian smirk slightly. Jian Yi let out a deep huff, watching the leaves swaying in a rhythm of the wind.

“I just feel like a part of manhua.”

That certainly wasn’t any of the things He Tian expected to hear but then again, Jian Yi was annoyingly variable when it came to feelings. The blonde had to see the confused expression on a friend’s face as he experienced a wave of satisfaction.

“The funny friend, the supporting role, the loveable one, this kind of person that doesn’t get romantic stuff because then they just stop being relatable. And also, they are gay.”

“It’s not about you, then.”

“Huh?”

“Because you’re neither funny nor loveable. And you’re not gay. You’re _extremely_ gay. The gayness is off the radar.”

“You’re the one to talk, you asshole,” snickered Jian Yi, a slight smile appearing on his face. “And why are you interrupting?”

“I thought you were finished, you ended that sentence with such a revelation no one could ever figure out.”

“Shut up.”

Almost every word was dipped in sarcasm and Jian Yi was torn apart between laughing and strangling He Tian with his bare hands. At times he felt relief, having someone like the dark-haired man in his life. Someone who was so completely different in every aspect and weirdly similar in a foreign way.

“It’s such a bizarre idea you have there. It’s almost as if you were trying to hurt yourself on purpose. Not enough pain in your life? I can beat you up if that’s what going to help you.”

“Oh, now you want to be helpful?”

Jian Yi’s tone was playful but when he looked at his friend, expecting another insult or smirk, he was met with an unsettling view. He Tian’s expression chilled him to the bone, the seriousness that wasn’t seen often, lack of usual cocky aspects on his face, somewhat anger he couldn’t recognize.

“It pains me to see you like this. Torturing yourself over something that’s not even true. You’re making up stuff to explain your pain when you know the answer but because of fear, you reject it. Don’t do that.”

Tha angered Jian Yi for some reason, causing his reaction to be way more aggressive than he intended.

“It’s not about him. Not everything has to be about him. I’m trying to share with you, you asked me to, don’t act like an angry parent now.”

“Yeah, it’s not about him, but you’re making it about him.”

He Tian was silent for a moment, his face expressions softened.

“Do you think you’re cursed?”

“Yes.”

The answer came after a moment of silence.

The dark-haired man sighed heavily, averting his gaze from Jian Yi’s anger. He understood that and he partly agreed. Partly.

“Stop telling yourself that you’re cursed. You’re not and I’m tired.”

Jian Yi scoffed at that, shifting his gaze to something other than He Tian’s face. Sometimes it was hard to just trust him, despite his best intentions. The blonde was stubborn. Stupidly stubborn.

And He Tian knew that.

“Tired? Of what? You’re perfect! Stop victimizing yourself.”

“Tired of all of this.” The dark-haired man purposely ignored the harsh words, recognizing them as a self-defense mechanism. “Ever since meeting Guan Shan, everything went downhill. Not his fault, obviously, I’m actually grateful for him, I can’t imagine existing without his annoyance at my side. But the drama, the problems, the risks, the almost-deaths are tiring like I can’t take a break from all of this because when I do, he’s dead. And then, I’m dead. And then, you’re alone. It’s stressful. So much responsibility that no one has ever asked you to take but you do it either way. I want to protect him, I want him to protect me but I don’t know the words… or anything, for that matter. I want to take him away and hide together, somewhere far away from this place where we can be happy, no interruptions or threats, where no one can take us apart.”

“I didn’t know that.”

It was almost like a whisper, soft and throaty, a shy apology. He Tian sighed, suddenly feeling the nudity of his mind and exposure of soul to the whole world, despite only Jian Yi watching. Unbearable.

“You weren’t supposed to because I’m not easy to decipher. I might regret this later.”

“Do you love him?”

The silence was deafening and the question floated in the air like a virus.

“It’s the most I’ve ever felt for anyone,” He Tian said with a deep sigh. “You know love is not easy. Explaining it ruins it. So ironic.”

“So you’re thirsting over the redhead? The teenage girl and the bad boy?”

“Are you implying I’m the bad boy?”

“I’m implying you’re a teenage girl.”

Both of them chuckled slightly, the atmosphere somewhat ordinary but still heavy. He had already said too much but the words were still forcing themselves out which he found extremely frustrating.

“Have you ever noticed that I was flirting with you? Back when Little Mo was just some stranger in our school we didn’t care or even knew about, I was thinking about us. That we could be together if I just make you realize. I noticed the crush you have had on him and I knew you were gay, I think even before you did. I was hoping it would pass, you would be free and maybe found interest in someone else…. someone, that was available and always by your side. I tried to be that person. I decided to wait, it didn’t bother me. I was ready to wait, give you as much time as you needed and now, don’t get me wrong… It sounds like I loved you in some weird way but I didn’t… well, at least I don’t think I have. I found you attractive, fun and nice to talk to which was rare for me. Before I realized, I had grown to like you. As a person, as a friend and as a man. But then little Mo appeared and your relationship with Zhang Xi has developed into... something more. I can’t say it’s love but I can’t also say it’s friendship. I guess it’s complicated and I understand your feelings, believe me. But avoiding him? It’s not a solution and you know that. You’re just running away.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I’m your friend. You can say whatever you want.”

Jian Yi sighed. It seemed like it was the only thing he’s been doing repeatedly during that day.

“Should I move on?”

“I can’t tell you what to do.”

“I’m just asking for your opinion, _as a friend_. Since you’re so good at not judging and giving advice.”

“And _as your friend_ and the mighty judge-slash-god, I’m telling you to grow up and decide what you want to have in life.”

The sigh that Jian Yi let out was drenched in sadness, his eyes searching for something on the ground and the brows furrowed, a light wrinkle appearing between them. He Tian was silent, patient with every emotion that seemed to surface and then fade suddenly, right after. The blonde played with his fingers, again reminiscing.

“I told him I like him. I even kissed him.”

He Tian felt like helping his friend a little, so he nodded with comprehension.

“But?”

“But nothing has changed. He didn’t push me away and I’m grateful for that but it feels like a heavy secret he wants to bury. I know he can’t be mad at me, we’re just too close and kinda co-dependent, it’s something not everyone could have but I just feel like… I’m that secret. We don’t really talk about it, I guess it’s partially my fault.” His eyes closed, hands moved up to his face just to hide it but He Tian waited. Jian Yi looked at him, suffering visible in the glare he was giving. “I’m drowning.”

He Tian sighed, looking up at the clear blue sky. The class ended soon and the crowd of students would be released in a matter of few minutes.

“You’re too sensitive for your own good. God, I really want to just hug and protect you, you’re like a puppy.”

Jian Yi chuckled lightly, a bitter feeling still present at the back of his mind. Watching He Tian has been always a strange sensation if he had to be honest. That has never been spoken out loud before and the blonde intended for it to stay that way, considering he had had enough embarrassment on his account. There was no pressure to impress He Tian, he knew that but the need to remain professional turned out to be forceful. Only standing next to the dark-haired man was overwhelming sometimes, like a mighty King’s presence you couldn’t learn to comprehend.

Distant. Smart. Terrifying.

A good king.

A great companion.

A perfect…

...lover?

It was new, that thought that occurred. It made sense though, in a way. It could happen. It wouldn’t be rejected. It was familiar and safe. It had the potential to grow.

But it wasn’t love.

The flirting had been treated like an unfunny and condescending joke, a running gag, a hilarious bit, an inside one-liner. Sometimes he wished it to be true; the knowledge that someone could like him and find him interesting enough. That someone thought he was enough.

Jian Yi decided to let it go. He Tian considered it a bad decision. Jian Yi didn’t care. He Tian just smiled. They parted soon after.


	3. one day we'll reveal the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian Yi talks with Zheng Xi, both of them are idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO WARNINGS - no suicide attempt/rape in this chapter

The love inside Jian Yi was endless and powerful, yet he wasn’t ready to face his beloved man. He was aware of the inevitable meeting that was meant to happen either way, preferably in peace and at his terms. Decis ion appeared suddenly and soon he found himself standing in the doorframe of their classroom. 

The frown on Zheng Xi’s face welcomed him and the world seemed to slow down, the surroundings blurry and the faces becoming just the shadows moving around him in chaos. His beloved man clear and visible as if the Universe mocked him for the sins of the existence and Jian Yi considered running away. Tempting, it’s what it was. 

But Zheng Xi had already seen him. 

Gathering all the courage he possessed or rather what was left of it and slowly moving between the shadows meant for his sanity more than anyone could imagine. He took a seat at the desk in front of Zheng Xi and looked down. That intense gaze was drilling a hole in Jian Yi’s soul, empty and lethal for the sobriety of his mind. Maintaining the current state disposed of any deeper emotions was a key to pretended external calmness, yet he was struggling. He felt his throat going dry, unable to decide the preference between this limitation and drowning. Suddenly the air left his lungs, breathing becoming unstable and Jian Yi found himself trapped in the middle of two opposites.

Drowning again. 

Thirsting again.

That silence was deafening, muting all of the chaotic thoughts and leaving his head empty with nothing else but a static sound.

“So?”

It was loud, yet so distant but it made Jian Yi able to breathe again. He inhaled deeply and became aware of the surroundings, noticing a few people waving at him. A small smile appeared on his face, but the quick beating of his heart didn’t slow down.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Zheng Xi was quiet for a moment, trying to organize his thoughts and separate them from anger. 

“What happened? Did I hurt you?”

The guilt that fell over Jian Yi was insufferable and full of unspoken words. He closed his eyes, the amount of air going into the lungs suddenly insufficient. Detachment from the outside was his defense mechanism and it worked so far, but with Zheng Xi everything had an unforeseen consequence. 

Karma finally caught up with him, deciding he deserved punishment through his beloved man’s guilt. The worst kind of retribution. Zheng Xi feeling even remotely responsible for something he was an actual victim of, was Jian Yi’s personal hell. 

“Just some family stuff. Y’know, my mom and all that.”

He focused on some classmates, not daring to look at the beloved man. The fear of painful expression on his face was paralyzing and he couldn’t afford to lose his barely stable facade.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jian Yi finally looked at him, unsure and anxious about everything that would come soon after. The decision to be brave was formed by a sudden bitter realization that Zheng Xi deserved something more than he was giving him. The minimum respect and recognition.

But Zheng Xi didn’t like the view. He’d rather Jian Yi kept on averting his gaze because what he saw was equally disturbing and captivating. 

The bags under his eyes indicated sleepless nights, probably filled with past trauma, his smile was painfully forced and weak as if it was about to shatter at any given moment. He looked so much older with greasy hair and empty gaze, so unlike him. Something was wrong but Zheng Xi was too occupied by the view before him to analyze the situation. He frowned. Apparently, it was all that he could express. 

“I’m going away.”

That weird, bad feeling in his gut tormented him. It was out of place. The puzzles were missing.

“What?”

“Vacation. With my mom. Europe.”

“Oh. That’s…”

The anchor attached to his heart was a heavy burden at the moment, making him want to vomit with all the repressed emotions and unspoken words. The betrayal was hurtful and Zheng Xi didn’t care if Jian Yi would see the disappointment on his face. 

Since when there has been such a powerful distance between them?

Jian Yi was out of words. The hesitation was like an angel of death for his well-being and that almost made Jian Yi say he was joking. But almost was a tricky concept and he didn’t feel particularly adventurous.

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I guess I forgot, I don’t know, I’m sorry I mean I don’t…”

He started babbling, the chaos of thoughts and messy explanations. Zheng Xi softened, unable to see the closest person to his heart in such a miserable state.

“Hey, it’s okay. I guess you need some time to think things through, I’m not mad. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, I understand.”

“Thanks. And again, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Yeah.”

It was a whisper, more of a habit to react than a genuine answer. A wave of emotions attacked him and the hopelessness to identify them become annoying. He felt out of place in that classroom. Zheng Xi looked at Jian Yi and the uneasy feeling washed over him, a stream of darkness in those lively eyes he often found warmth in. He bit his bottom lip when Jian Yi started looking around as if searching for something.

“Will you be back?”

It was unusually soft that it made the question almost inaudible and Jian Yi felt his heart to break a little. The sensation was so familiar, yet so unexplored. The blonde wasn’t entirely sure it had come out of Zheng Xi’s mouth.

He looked at his beloved man and smiled, affectionate and sad, as if wanting to tell him the complete story of this lethal love with just his eyes.

“Of course. I will always come back to you, no matter what.”

Zhang Xi hoped it wasn’t a lie, Jian Yi wanted to keep the promise.

But both of them were unaware of the future, Lady Fate, so cruel and loving at the same time.

***

“Oh god, are you gonna ask me again why he’s avoiding you?” 

He Tian sighed with the sandwich midway to his mouth. Zheng Xi chuckled lightly and shook his head, taking a seat next to the friend. They were silent for a moment, dark-haired boy peacefully enjoying the food and the blonde one looking at the clouded sky. The warmth from the earlier was gone.

“We talked. It’s okay.”

“Oh, did you now?” He Tian rose his eyebrow in amusement, waiting for further elaboration. The intensity of his gaze failed at influencing Zheng Xi which slightly annoyed dark-haired boy. “About what?”

“He apologized.”

He Tian hummed in wonder, observing something one could hardly call a basketball match. The girls were truly horrible.

“That’s good.”

“He told me he’s going on a vacation.”

“That’s…”

He Tian couldn’t find proper words or appropriate thoughts and Zheng Xi just sighed in agreement.

“Yeah.”


	4. setting fire to our insides for fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian Yi centered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: alcohol abuse, drug abuse, kinky stuff.

The relationship with his mother was a truly complicated one. She was so far away, yet knew every detail about the storm building inside of his mind. Sometimes her words were so exquisite, crowded with depth and he could only wonder of the meaning behind them. She was a poet. Every action filled with beauty, the posture spoke of grace and despite her small frame, she was more powerful than any man he’d ever met.

She was a great woman. A mother not so much. A feminine full of passion, yet so cold to touch.

Maternal love existed in her but it was expressed in a way you had to learn to notice and accept. Subtle, almost foreign and careful. Freedom was the manifestation of her love for the only child. She considered it a right for every creature to have, not a privilege. This devotion to freedom made her unreachable and only after some years Jian Yi saw her gift not only as love but an apology.

As much as he adored the tribute, he hated it. 

**_I love you._ **

She said before leaving for Europe. It felt like a farewell as if she expected Jian Yi to stop existing once she would be back. The betrayal that had been experienced coexisted with a quiet mutual understanding, yet he had no idea what she had seen in him during that moment when her posture screamed grief. 

**_Don’t be out late_ ** _. _

Looking at Jian Yi as if he’s drowning and there’s no way he’ll survive. The sorrow in her expression while his face hardened. She had been leaving and the desire to scream had overwhelmed him, but the absence of appropriate words had held him back. So he had stayed quiet.

His mother’s stories about Europe were told with passion and admiration of those foreign people. He’d loved to meet them but wasn’t willing to do so. Europe could be beautiful, though he had no way of knowing. The stories were enough for now, the fear of reality disappointing him was petrifying.

This sudden feeling of nostalgia and longing for something he has never experienced made him ache. Just a boy in a world quite wrong to exist even; where everything seemed so out of place. The sense of belonging somewhat blurry and hard to describe. 

Another empty beer bottle was tossed aside along with the full glass of juice that became just an accidental victim. The alcohol tasted bitter as if someone forced acidic venom down his throat. The absence of cigarettes surprised him, considering he had bought two packs but being too drunk to care, Jian Yi just sighed. His mother loved to smoke, she enjoyed the elegance and power coming from it, always saying the way you hold a cigarette can speak volumes.

The sudden memory of the distant smell of the nicotine mixed with flavored tobacco washed over him, her warm smile and soft voice lulling him to sleep. The eyelids became heavy, a soft smile appeared, blissfulness overwhelming him.

Europe could be beautiful.

But he didn’t go.

_******* _

The sun was merciless, waking Jian Yi up around late afternoon. He groaned, faintly annoyed but got out of bed with a bit of hangover, desolation still existing in the depths of his mind. The decision to go out arose seemingly out of nowhere while the television was playing nothing but garbage. The prospect of watching another abomination rather than a movie while drowning in his regrets made Jian Yi want to puke. And he would, probably, considering the unhealthy coping mechanisms that have begun to develop.

The blonde took a shower and made himself look presentable; a bit of cologne, stylish hairstyle, tempting clothes. The feeling of hesitation overwhelming while looking in the mirror before leaving the apartment, but he just repressed it for a time being.

The late evening was pleasant; the warm wind gently caressed his cheek, almost like a lover that lacked a physical body, but the affection traveled through various realms. Jian Yi took a deep breath and exhaled, looking at the piece of paper with an address that had been scribbled hastily. The infamous street he was looking for was hard to overlook; lively music, colorful decoration, pleasant light, delicious smell. The first bar that got his attention was small, located in the middle but not overcrowded. There was only one table, currently unoccupied. He approached and ordered a drink, the owner didn’t spare him another glance as he just nodded and made a vague gesture. The blonde took a seat at the bar and waited, grateful that the man didn’t ask about his age. 

“Hey there, hot stuff. You alone here?”

Jian Yi turned his head to the left, boredom and indifference residing on the face but the man leaning against the bar didn’t feel discouraged. The stranger had light brown hair pulled into a loose, low ponytail; the tight shirt emphasized the broad shoulders and muscles, both arms and chest; his eyes were strangely similar to Zhan Xi’s but less familiar and lacking the usual glint of affection. 

“As you can see.”

“Do you mind if I join you?”

Jian Yi shrugged, averting his gaze and watching the owner wandering around the kitchen. The boy took that as the invitation and sat down next to the blonde, gently nudging his arm. Jian Yi knew better than to think it was an accident but shivered at the contact, the body betraying him and heart beating faster. The promise of something more lingered dangerously. The owner put two drinks before them and in the face of a desire to comment on that, the blonde didn’t, taking the beverage without a word to spare.   
“I’m Lin Yu. And you are?”

Jian Yi ignored the question, taking a sip of his drink. He could play a game, even if the prospect of actually achieving something was bitterly distant. The desire to appear cool and well put-together hit his anxious brain all at once, triggering the fight or flight reflexes. Lin Yu had to notice the entirety of the emotions manifesting on the blonde’s face because he put his hand on Jian Yi’s shoulder, catching his attention and smiling, visibly amused.    
Out of nowhere the boy grabbed the drink and chugged the content in one go, slamming the empty glass on the counter afterward. The owner gave him a disapproving look but just sighed heavily and shook his head in a slight annoyance while Jian Yi couldn’t help but stare, hypnotized by the dominant behavior. At that moment, the blonde had a slight realization of losing this peculiar game but not caring at all. Anything that was possible to articulate suddenly obstructed his throat and the boy gulped, trying to regain his composure.

“So what are you doing here all alone? Haven’t you heard of filthy old men waiting to put their hands on pretty boys like you?”

“So you consider yourself an old man?”

The blonde articulated after clearing his throat. Lin Yu smirked and lowered his voice.

“I consider myself filthy.”

Jian Yi scoffed, appalled at such an obvious response but the hungry look on the brunette’s face and the dizzying closeness of their bodies paralyzed him. The blonde averted his gaze, his face all red and brain lacking any comprehensive thoughts. Jian Yi swallowed, subconsciously, causing Lin Yu’s grip on his shoulder to tighten while he caressed the blonde’s throat absentmindedly.

“I would use different words to describe you.”

“Consider me intrigued.”

Lin Yu shifted, moving his body away but still facing the blonde; he put the elbow on the bar and propped up his chin, head slightly tilted. The look on his face indicated predatory patience, as well as pure curiosity. 

“Annoying, that’s for sure.”

Lin Yu hummed with the all-knowing smug expression on his face which was equally infuriating as it was arousing. The brunette was experienced in this peculiar game which gave him the ability to make Jian Yi stand on his toes, anxious about what’s around the corner. He Tian was similar and the realization caused his knees to go weak. 

“I thought you liked my company.”

Jian Yi scoffed, a foreign warmth present in the gut, and the quickly beating heart made his brain go completely blank. The blonde bit down on his lower lip, sensing his defensive mechanisms taking control; he tried to relax and be more open, but the fear inside every cell of the body paralyzed the rational thinking.

“If you’re trying to fuck me, buy me dinner first.”

Lin Yu’s eyebrows flew high and he was almost as surprised as Jian Yi, who just groaned silently at the cringy words that came out of his mouth. The brown-haired boy chuckled darkly after noticing the dark red blush on the blonde’s face and ordered another round of drinks.

“I can get you whatever they have here.”

“So you’re trying to fuck me.”

Jian Yi cursed himself mentally, gulping with anticipation, and too ashamed of the silence that came after his words. The brunette just chuckled, but without any malice and it made the blonde feel like a hopeless child.

“You’re cute. I love seeing you getting all flustered and squirming.”

“Good for you but I’m trying to get rid of you. You’re annoying and clingy. You can’t seem to take a ‘no’ for an answer.”

The drinks and food came out of nowhere, the owner quickly preparing anything it was asked of him. The blonde thanked the man quietly, suddenly worried about the tense silence. He gave Lin Yu a side glance but the brown-haired boy seemed unaffected by the bitter words and still looking at him, a moment later sighing deeply and averting his gaze, focusing on something else. Jian Yi expected him to be fed up.

“Eat. It will get cold. Sorry for taking your time.”

Lin Yu pulled out a few bills and threw them on the counter, slowly getting up from the seat. He gave Jian Yi an apologetic look and his gaze lingered, a rush of hesitation burning inside the blonde.

“Do you live close by?”

The smugness on Lin Yu’s face almost made Jian Yi regret his decision to speak up but the brunette could see right through him; the dark blush and averted gaze were clear indicators of a hidden desire being repressed for so long it had become a part of his personality. 

“Yeah. I have a dog, hope you like them.”

Lin Yu knew the feeling of not fitting in and the consequences of loneliness so recognizing the despair in Jian Yi’s gaze wasn’t difficult.

“I prefer cats,” said Jian Yi, a slight smile tugging at his lips and for a moment the feeling of security weakened the fear fibers that were tightly interlaced with his neurons. 

“You don’t look like a cat person.”

Lin Yu sat next to him, watching the blonde chugging the remaining drink in one go. Every time the brunette rested his eyes on the other boy, he discovered a new trait to admire; whether it was purely interest or lust, sometimes he couldn’t tell. The interest was peaked, no matter from which angle he was willing to explore it.

Naked skin of the stomach when the shirt would go higher for a second and the way his Adam’s apple moved while swallowing; then his shy smile and longing gaze, so expecting and hoping for something better.

“I’m not a goose person, that I can tell you.”

Lin Yu laughed, slightly confused but equally amused at the sudden weirdness. Jian Yi liked to be praised and making other people laugh was one way to receive the confirmation he wasn’t a useless waste of space and time. 

The brunette kept staring at him with anticipation and the blonde frowned.

“What?”

“There is a story here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s actually quite absurd.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I already believe you. But I still wanna hear it.”

“Right now?”

“I was hoping we can go to my flat.”

Jian Yi’s face fell, the skin turning pale and full of fear. He lowered his gaze while painfully biting his bottom lip, the reality changing its course on the spur of the moment and leading somewhere into uncharted territory. It shouldn’t have been surprising, but yet it confounded him. He started spiraling, retreating into the comfort zone of avoiding and pretending, pushing away any possibility of intimacy with another person.

The unexpected feeling of Lin Yu’s hand on his shoulder brought him back from the darkness of his mind and he looked up, the sight of the brunette smiling reassuringly warm in his chest.

“We don’t have to. Also, I don’t have any geese in my house.”

Jian Yi chuckled and they decided to finish what had been ordered. They talked more comfortably now, joking and laughing freely and the blonde couldn’t remember the last time he felt like this.

The apartment wasn’t far away and Jian Yi decided to give in. Being too busy by focusing on Lin Yu and his own momentary happiness, he didn’t notice Guan Shan standing nearby with bags of groceries and watching him carefully.

The door closed and Jian Yi was pinned in a flash to them, kissed hungrily by Lin Yu. The blonde was panting heavily, flushed and aroused from the unfamiliar affection and when the brunette stopped, the other boy whined unhappily.

“What are you comfortable with?”

“Whatever you’ll give me,” Jian Yi answered hastily and closed the gap between them, the brunette once again pushing him away and looking at him with seriousness on his face.

“No. What do you want?”

Despite being in control of his own desire, Lin Yu’s pupils were dilated and radiated predatory energy. The brunette licked his lips, the nails painfully digging into his own palm to restrain himself.

“Just fuck me.”

The whole night felt like a dream of which Jian Yi was merely a spectator, watching the bodies move and listening to moans and groans. It was his first time and it felt wonderful, exhilarating. He enjoyed everything that was there, in him, around him, before him. He could fill the emptiness in his heart with that, Lin Yu would be happy to help, that was pretty obvious. He let himself forget for a moment; everything that wasn’t a part of this moment, faded away and Jian Yi fell free.

_******* _

They moved quickly, yet Jian Yi was content with their positions. Instead of burying him like a wave on the shore during a particularly windy day, his presence lifted him up to the heavens and he was able to see the light. 

The sudden request to go out with Lin Yu’s friends sowed a seed of doubt but the brunette was persuasive, at least according to Jian Yi. He liked to think he was in control and the brunette went along with it, laughing at the amusing attempts.

When they arrived at the place Jian Yi has never seen before, the hesitation began to expand and paralyze him. Lin Yu, as always, saw right through him, sighing with worry. He put the hand on his arm and squeezed, giving him a reassuring smile. Jian Yi didn’t look convinced, running a hand through the hair but he felt the other boy to softly grab his wrist. Lin Yu moved the blonde’s hand to his mouth and kissed the knuckles, relishing in a sudden intake of air from the boy.

“We can still not come.”

“No, that’s fine. Let’s go.”

Slowly, they approached the already occupied table, no one sparing them a glance at first. Lin Yu greeted them with a joke, interrupting a heated discussion about something Jian Yi couldn’t quite understand. The greeting was utterly chaotic and cheerful, the mix of limbs and words made the blonde feel dizzy.

In a matter of seconds, he found himself sitting next to Lin Yu and the conversation continued as if nothing happened. 

Brunette’s friends were friendly and included Jian Yi in their discussions even when all he contributed were short answers and confusion. The atmosphere was light which made blonde more relaxed, exchanging soft smiles with the other boy but when he saw someone taking out a bag of white powder, it all went away.

“You don’t have to do anything. I’m also not a fan of it.”

Lin Yu was notably closer, his breath tickling the blonde’s ear and causing him to shudder from anticipation. The expectation of something he couldn’t have, yet desperately longed for. Jian Yi didn’t argue or express any disregard but felt uneasy in the situation he was so unfamiliar with. The sense of drowning overwhelmed him, the repressed emotions caused him to get lost again; to think of Zhang Xi and the lack of his presence. Jian Yi could pretend and he would get used to being happy in a sufficient amount. 

Lin Yu noticed the sudden change as if every thought was yelled at him and had a little explanatory note attached. He knew this expression; had seen it so often in those men in the past that left him afterward and yet this time he felt bound to the anchor that was slowly getting to the bottom of the ocean. Lin Yu didn’t mind and despite recognizing the implications of what this could mean for him, he decided to stay and let himself get hurt.

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

Not even a minute passed since they left the place before Jian Yi was dragged into a dark alley and pinned against the wall of a building. A small whimper escaped him, completely indifferent to the disgusting surroundings and unpleasurable smell. All that mattered was the strong grip on the blonde’s wrist and a warm feeling in the lower stomach, dangerously edging on arousal. 

Lin Yu caressed his cheek, the touch so gentle, almost indefinite in its origin. The affection mixed with glaring hungrily between Jian Yi’s lips and eyes, as if not being able to decide which view was more stunning. 

“You look beautiful today.”

Jian Yi scoffed, hiding his embarrassment behind the curtain of brattiness. Lin Yu wasn’t fooled, but he indeed was a fool.

“Don’t you mean hot?”

“No. I mean beautiful.”

The blonde groaned, the cheesiness unbearable and he expected a sarcastic remark following the compliment but the seriousness on Lin Yu’s face made him dizzy. One could compare the admiration in the brunette’s eyes to the way you look at a remarkably ravishing masterpiece that is so far away, yet so close. There wasn’t any trace of happiness there though, but before Jian Yi could ask, Lin Yu stepped aside.

“I’m hungry. Wanna check out this new place?”

The blonde stared at him, dumbfounded but quickly regained his composure. Jian Yu gulped and cleared his throat, the voice hoarse and out of place.

“Yeah. Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lowkey ship Lin Yu and Jian Yi XD  
> It was supposed to be longer but I wanted to update already  
> so there you go


End file.
